7-20-11 – Rupert Murdoch stars in “Foxed in the Ass: What we know So Far”! Coming this summer to Fox!
Co-written by Ryan “MrQwerty” Sims and Nik Vital
Isn’t schadenfreude great when you get to revel in some rich, disingenuous, legitimately dangerous prick having his own shit dumped all over his head? Especially when he looks like Rupert Murdoch does? Jesus Christ, his ghoulish face is the only legitimate way to open this article.
He sure deserves a creampie in the face, just not the kind he got yesterday.
Look it up.
- PART I: A SUMMARY OF EVENTS THUS FAR – by Nik Vital
First off, let us be clear: this scandal is best described as a “clusterfuck of epic proportions.” Spanning well over a decade, a cogent timeline of events is rather hard to find, much less piece together. Deciding what is and what is not relevent is a labor in and of itself, but for our purposes, the timeline pieced together by The Week will have to do for now. But a simple flowing line of events is not sufficient to demonstrate the many, MANY layers of ths scandal, simply due to the number of people implicated. Admittedly, it is a little confusing keeping track of just who is involved with whom, but thankfully, the Guardian has come to the rescue for us.
So, now that we’ve provided you, the reader, with something of a “cheat sheet” for the events, let’s focus on some of the minor details.
The whole thing started when the “newspaper” (those quotes are doing a LOT of work), The News of the World began hacking the cellphone of one Milly Dower, a thirteen-year-old girl who went missing on March 21, 2002. While this is, itself, a travesty (ed. note: scooping the fuck out of a story is never a travesty, even when you’re breaking every moral agreement you make with modern society in the process… right? – Ryan), the journalists at the NotW decided that there simply wasn’t enough space on her phone, so they took it upon themselves to delete some messages and free up space.
You read that correctly. A British tabloid hacked and subsequently deleted the voicemails of a thirteen-year-old abduction/murder victim all for the sake of getting more information, so they could add another page in their toilet paper-worthy rag of a tabloid, and maybe sell a couple hundred more copies. The disgusting fact is, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
(A quick note for my fellow American readers: This practice is not all that unheard of in the British Press, and in fact has a name befitting its evil nature – “The Dark Arts.” Instead of filling up an entire screen with words about this, here’s a clip from Charlie Brooker’s sublime “Newswipe” series explaining just what this Harry Potter-esque atrocity is.)(ed. note: I guarantee this is commonplace outside the UK as well. I sincerely hope Nancy Grace is somehow involved in this. – Ryan)
The British police eventually find out about this, and the shitstorm begins brewing albeit somewhat silently. Bounce forward three years to November of 2005, when NotW publishes a story on Prince William’s knee injury, finding out about it by hacking his voicemail. Beyond being the height of stupidity, this is the moment that NotW made it blatantly apparent to anyone with a passing semblance of critical thought that something was up. It’s generally considered a bad idea to fuck with a member of THE HOUSE OF YOUR COUNTRY’S MONARCH, especially when it comes to information that literally no one outside of the House of Windsor is privilege to. Cue Glenn Mulcaire, the fuckface P.I. responsible for hacking the girl’s phone, and Clive Goodman, a NotW editor, going to jail. Andrew Coulson, chief asshole for NotW, resigns, taking the blow for Murdoch, but insisting he had no idea what was going on.
Normally, this would have been the end of things, but don’t forget the scumfuck Aussie in charge of all this (more on him, later). Jump forward to May 2007, when News International’s
venue of vultures team of lawyers declare that Coulson had no idea what was going on! It’s not maliciousness, just incompetence! Obviously! And what is his punishment for such transgressions/stupidity?
Being hired as communications directory for David Cameron’s Conservative Party, of course! America and Britain aren’t so different after all, it seems.
July of 2009 rolls in, and the Guardian once again drops a bomb, stating that not only was this hacking of politicians’ and celebrities’ voicemails not just more widespread than initially thought, but the senior staff knew full well what was going on. But wait, there’s more! Not only that, but News International set aside $1.6 MILLION to settle these cases out of court!
Let’s go over that last part again: News Corp had so little idea of what was going on that they set aside a fund of $1.6 million dollars to keep this shit quiet.
Still with me? Okay.
May 2010, Cameron weasels his way into 1 Downing Street, and for being such a good boy, names Coulson his communications chief (think Press Secretary, but with a posh British accent). But, thanks to the New York Times, Coulson’s stint as government mouthpiece lasts about as long as the average American economic recovery, and he resigns in disgrace in January of 2011.
Jump forward, one more time, to July 4, 2011, and the Guardian dropping a big fuckoff bomb that publicly implicates NotW without a shred of doubt, blowing the cover off the whole motherfucker at last.
Come to today, when we find out, among the list of targets of the hacking are terrorism victims, soldiers killed in the line of duty, and the medical records of Gordon Brown’s four-year-old son with cystic fibrosis.
- PART II: RUPERT MURDOCH’S BACKGROUND AS A SCUM-FUCKING LEECH AND/OR C.H.U.D. – by Ryan “MrQwerty” Sims
Adam Curtis posted a piece on his blog earlier this year detailing just how much of a scumfuck Murdoch is. Let’s read a quote from that article, shall we? Specifically, the part about Roop-dogg buying the News of the World from an old moneyed British lord, despite (because) of it being a horrible piece of shit tabloid rag then:
Maxwell warned Sir William not to trust Murdoch. He told him - "You will be out before your feet touch the ground".
Sir William replied - "Bob, Rupert is a gentleman"
But Lady Carr began to worry. She took Rupert Murdoch out to lunch in Mayfair. She reported that he had little small talk, no sense of humour and that he had lit up a cigar before the first course.
So, essentially what is happening there: Sir William Carr puts his tabloid rag up for sale, and the two high bids are Robert Maxwell (a Czech) and Rupert Murdoch (an Australian). Maxwell's bid is declined for not being British, and Murdoch begins courting Sir William. Murdoch is also not British, but Sir William believes him to a be a gentleman whilst his competitor, Mr. Maxwell, who knows of Murdoch's business practices, implores Sir Carr to reconsider his opinion of Murdoch. Rupert then goes to lunch with the Lady Carr and proceeds to act like the fucking Devil. Predictably, shit things happen, etc., almost as if Murdoch is, himself, a Biblically malevolent being, causing discord and corruption, evil and controlled chaos in everything around him.
To be quite honest, actually, just read Adam Curtis' article. This section is just going to be a rewrite of it if I pursue it any further. Seriously, this fucker is all about hacking dead children's phones and threatening politicians. What else do you need to know about his character? If you're really that interested, I'm not going to even try to steal Mr. Curtis' thunder. (ed. note: I am not a good enough writer to do that. - Ryan)
- PART III: HACKING DEAD SOLDIERS AND MISSING CHILDREN FOR FUN AND PROFIT - by Nik
So here we are. An Australian-born American citizen, worth $6.3 billion according to Forbes, owner of News Corp, which is itself second only to the Walt Disney Company in terms of revenue, is totally ignorant of any of these proceedings because he employs around 53,000 people. Indeed, how could he know what was going on in the UK while he was busy funding the GOP, or helping electioneer in the UK, or possibly trying to listen to the voicemails of 9/11 victims? How could a man so busy possibly know what was going on when you consider that he was busy hanging out with both Rebekah Brooks, the woman most responsible for this scumfuckery, and David Cameron, the de facto head of the British Government, who was informed of these hacking attempts multiple times?
What does this mean to you, the reader? Let me answer that question with a video from the prophetic movie from 1976, Network.
Yeah, it's probably nothing to worry about.
- PART IV: LULZ, EXCITING AND NEW (get it? The Loveboat? The Lulzboat?) - by MrQwerty
So where do the plucky men and women... ok, men of LulzSec/Anonymous/any other nebulous anonymous hacking organization with shitloads of overlap fit into this? You and I both knew that they were going to try and get in on this one. LulzSec's strength, really, is their ability to put their hands in cookie jars they might not even have known existed a half an hour ago at a moment's notice. Sometimes it's a minor inconvenience, like when I couldn't play on my Minecraft server for 20 minutes. Other times, however, it's gold; let us not forget the gift Anonymous gave us in February with the Ballad of Aaron Barr.
Well, it happened. It was inevitable. There was no way to stop it, really. The LulzBoat or RaepTrain or whatever else you want to call it left station headed for News International weeks ago, assuredly. (ed. note: I'm about to link you to a left-wing gossip site - Ryan) LulzSec hacked News International and evidently obtained 4GB of internal emails. Now, we know that BIG LEAKS like this need to be taken with a grain of salt after WikiLeaks' impotent handling of the Bank of America info that was supposed to come out, what, 7 months ago? However, due to the absolute incompetence of News International's non-covering of its tracks, I have some amount of faith that these e-mails probably contain at least one or two juicy bits. At best, I'm hoping they're like eating a medium-rare steak made out of Rupert Murdoch's private, angry, internal tears. At worst, I'm hoping the steak still has one bit of pink inside of the charcoaled exterior (ed. note: Not unlike Rupert Murdoch's heart. - Nik).
I would like to honor the man at the heart of this scandal, the moral compass of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The man who broke this story, the man who took on News of the World and ended up potentially collapsing the Murdoch media empire. I am speaking, of course, about the man... the myth... the legend. The man who got road-head from a nasty LA street hooker while Liz Hurley was home in his bed, looking hot and doing whatever Liz Hurley does in 1995. Yes, the foppiest of all the modern media heroes...
Mister Hugh Grant.
- Ryan M. Sims, 07/20/2011
- Post-Postscript: MrQwerty's Video Digest Vol. 1 Issue 1 - July 2011
1. NMA News videos: THE Taiwanese Source of Computer Generated Tabloid-level World News
-NMA - Murdoch Cans NOTW
-NMA - BSkyB bid forcibly withdrawn
-NMA - Wendi Deng saves her husband from certain shaving cream doom with a Shanghai right hook
2. Videos that Happened in Real Life
-The (News of the) World according to Hugh Grant
-Hugh Grant totally shows off why I always had a sneaking suspicion that I liked him
-Steve Coogan vs. Paul "Stereotypical Hack 'journalist'" McMullan
-ED MILIBAND! aka A Portrait of Scared Shitless PM D. Cameron
-IRL - Wendi Deng saves her husband from certain shaving cream doom with a Shanghai right hook
-WHO WANTS TO WATCH FOX NEWS AND BE A DUMB AMERICAN AND SAY WHAT THE FUCK AND BE COMPLETELY APATHETIC
3. Murdoch Family Testimony
-Part XI (this is where the moneyshot is, right at the beginning)